So…

it’s 2020 and i haven’t been blogging since. twitter found me again and i thought it’d be easier to share my thoughts through microblogging. it is kind of convenient but i cant get my thoughts together. and it made me less creative to construct my thoughts.

anyway, why am i here again? i just thought i’d give my rusty brain a reminder of how good I was before. really, i am in awe with my old works, my old posts. i never thought i could pull those lines off of my head when i was just being heartbroken. guess what, I still am. but a little rusty in the head. i’m getting older and i still havent got my shit together. although a lot has happened, but not much has changed. except with the global crises that is going on right now: pandemic, almost world-wars, politics, obnoxious know-it-all people, there are so much of them right now.

even before all this quarantine/lock down was implemented, i have already isolated myself socially. so it doesn’t really affect me that much. i am low-key thankful for being jobless because i don’t have to have major adjustments with my lifestyle.

So… we now run a small business, a computer shop and a mini snack bar on the side. It is currently closed because of the implemented community quarantine as i have mentioned earlier. another thing that happened to me is that i started being a fan girl again after a long time since F4 back in high school. So… there’s this group from South Korea called BTS and they are global superstars. there’s not one who you would ask have not heard of them at the least. they re the reason why i think i am kind of in a sane state of mind. if i haven’t stumbled upon them, i might have drowned myself in thoughts and misery and how my life is taking detour after detour.

anyway, i think i only blogged back just to say i am a BTS ARMY… so… no matter the heartaches, the obstacle I’m experiencing right now, i can get through them because BTS is there for me cheering me unconsciously how my life is still worth living. Because of them, I became more self-aware, i recognize my self-worth and i am in the process of loving myself back and loving it more.

 

Laban At Laya

​Sa laban na ito

Mag-isa kong ipagtatanggol ang sarili ko

Laban sa iyo

Dahil ang inaakala ko’y kasama kita

Sa bawat pagsubok na hinaharap nating dalawa.

Di ko namang akalain

Sa iba ka papanig

Sa iba mo inialay

Ang iyong buhay.

Hindi ko namang magawang lumayo

Dahil ako’y nakatali sa iyo

Kung ang panaho’y maibabalik pa

Sana’y matagal na akong nakalaya

Ngayon ako’y mag-isa

Walang kakampi, nawawalang pag-asa

Di ako susuko

Sa pag-ibig na ako’y nakapako

Kung di man kita maipaglaban at naangkin ng iba

Hayaa’t ako na’ng bahala sa sarili ko nang lumigaya

Sawa naman din ako sa mga kasinungalingan mo

Ngayon nama’y paniwalaan ko ang sarili ko.

Pusong Sanay

​Sa dinamiraming napagdaanan sa pagmamahal sa iyo

Puso’y maraming natutunan, 

Mga alaalang di makakalimutan, 

Mga bagay na nakasanayan, 

Mga panahong nais balikan.

Nais sana’y ang mga ito’y nakapagpapasaya

Ngunit balik saki’y luha

Puso’y sanay na

Sa mga iyong ginagawa
Sabi mo pa’y wala na akong magagawa

Sa mga bagay na tapos na

Di na maibabalik at maitama

Pagkakamaling iyong ikinaligaya
Lahat ng iyon ay babalewalain

Kayang tiisin

Sakit na dinidimdim

Mangangapa nalang sa dilim

Dahil pikit-mata kita’y yakapin
Sabi mo pa’y siya ay nakalipas

Nalilibing ng oras

Siya’y hindi mahal na wagas

Pero sa kanya’y nakapagbigay pa ng rosas
Ako’y nagbubulag bulagan

Kunwari’y di nararamdaman

Ang sakit na pilit kinakalimutan

Ang sakit na aking nakasanayan.

Afterstorm

All of the sudden, it was sunshine
Tonight the moon isn’t bright
But it everything inside me is serene.
After the storm-
Everything inside me hushed.
It was calm
And I am elated.
Still, you were a storm.
I am calm.
But I was devastated.

Dear Love

Sometimes I pray that Mariana Trench would still be deeper than my love for you. But I was wrong. So many times I lost count. It went through hell; went past our satellites; beyond the galaxies and back. For how many times I tried walking away from you- from our love, from all the years we had, from all the hearyaches and headaches we caused each other. Despite the lunatic women who insisted themselves in our exclusive party; despite the bulls**t amd frigging whatnots we did and did not do-
I AM STILL HERE. I ALWAYS STAY.

Ephemeral Pain

Just like a tailor who pricked his thumb with a needle,
A mother who scalded her tongue from tasting a hot bowl of soup,
The sting in your throat on your first tequilla shot,
That instant brainfreeze you get from slurpee,
The mini heart attack when we first hold hands,
And another when we first kissed,
The headache you get when you cried after your first fight,
And the second,
And the fights that followed.
The heartache after your world ended when he left you.
They come so fast,
Yet those infinitesimal moments are excruciatingly the longest agony.
And time is a wonder,
You woke up one day
You are healed.

What Now?

There was no sorry
You opened the door and let me in
You said hi, and I replied
Then you kissed me,
I tasted your smile.

You forgot the other day
The fight we had
You were mad at me for being strong
I was a monster, you said
You know very well you’re wrong.

I am the biproduct of your love,
If that’s what love is for you.
Another me was born
The kind who doesn’t give a fuck anymore.

So apologies don’t matter to me
Your sorry has lost its color
You’re still going to be hanging around
And you’ll be lost in somebody else’s arms.
While I am still standing on the same ground.

First Self-Portrait Ever!

Since I have awesome friends IRL and on Facebook and Instagram, I am confident to post my self-portrait here on my blog that I drew in February. It wasn’t perfect. Not that I want to imitate renowned artists or FB/IG/Tumblr famouses who can make outstanding artworks, I just want to draw. And this time, I drew me.

I intend to draw something that has deeper meaning than just being a self-portrait, thus the keyhole within the layers of my hair. And I guess what I’m trying to say here is that there’s more to what I can do now. There are potentials beyond my current capabilities and I am stoked to unlock it. This is just a tip of my iceberg. Stay tuned for more.

Xo

While she’s writing love poems
Telling herself she’s so in love with you
Fooling herself that one day you’ll be together.
While she’s full of hopes
And dreams of stars and a world where there are no rules.
While she believes, firmly believes
You two are perfect together…

I am writing songs without melody
Angst of our melancholic reveries
Dead hopes and severed hearts
We blurred our visions
I, with too much love for you
And you, with too much love for yourself

And in this game of tug-of-war
She’s willing to hold on and get you
I, on the other end of the rope,
Will pull myself together and win myself back.
                                             -d.a.t.

The Wait

I went in the cinema early
The previous screening ended 20 minutes ago.
I guess they need to rewind it, the reel.
To get back to the start.
To show me what it is, what it used to be. What it feels like it again.
Maybe i was too early,
To get into your life, too
Maybe you were still rewinding
Not just for few minutes, not even a month,
Perhaps more…
Preparing yourself for a new show
Maybe made a few edits
Maybe this time,
You are preparing for a better ending.